I’m not one to feel extreme emotions, whether high or low. When people ask how I’m doing, my usual reply is “I’m OK”, which is usually an accurate description of my emotional state. This lack of highs and lows can frustrate others, especially boyfriends, who’s emotions tend to vary widely. (Yes I tend to date latinos.)

The grief I felt the days after I put Oscar down were the most extreme I’ve experienced since my grandmother died in 1985. The difference this time though, was my sense of responsibility. I was responsible for his well being.  And I chose the day that my cat would die. If I knew how much the grief would hurt, how much I would feel I failed my charge, I would probably have decided to try a few more things before giving up.

However, these past two weeks as I’ve been looking at a lot of pics, from long ago and from the past few months, it is clear from the recent pics that Oscar was in decline and was not going to last much longer. I hope I found the right balance with regards to quality of life. I hope I would have made the same decision if I had not been unemployed at the moment and concerned about vet bills.

Today is the second anniversary of the death of Oscar’s brother, Alex. But it was very different for Alex, as he just drifted away. And I think we kept him comfortable till the end. I was sad, but I also felt it was the natural ‘circle of life’.

As many people suggest, when Alex died here at home, I made sure Oscar saw the body so that he knew what had happened. When he did he quickly ran away. But afterward he never cried looking for Alex. However, Alex and Oscar were always together, always slept on top of each other, so you could tell that Oscar was not doing well alone. So after four months we got a new kitten which Ivan named Pancho, which for some reason quickly became Piggy. Piggy is now 20 months old, and was a great companion for Oscar.  Once we introduced them to each other it only took 7 days between “what the hell is that?” to “OK, you can sleep with me.”  (Btw, Kevin, who’s family has had Bengal cats, thinks Piggy is at least part Bengal. He does have the coloring, and that lanky look, long and lean, and the intense stare of Bengals. But there is no way to know for sure.)

Piggy seemed to know that Oscar was sick, and kept watch over him till the end. In the days after, Piggy did cry for Oscar, and look a few times in all Oscar’s usual hiding places. Once I saw him open the door to the linen closet and reach up to look where Oscar often hid. Yes that made me tear up.  But since then Piggy seems to be doing OK. (see what I did there?) He doesn’t leave my side when I’m home, but he was doing that before. However, he will need a companion, sooner more than later.

As I’ve been going through all my cat pics (you take a lot of pics over 18 years), I’ve created a new photo album dedicated to them on this blog. See the Photo Album link in the menu bar, then look for Gatitos. I will continue to add pics as I find them (and as I take new ones).

So I guess in the end, it is good to know that I too can feel strong emotions.  Hopefully someday I’ll feel them towards another human.